We are still looking on the inside in preparation for becoming a better partner and finding a better partner. Today we are looking at self-esteem. Self-esteem has many definitions but one good one for our purposes is that high self-esteem is a belief that one is Online Datingdeserving of love and happiness. In order to attract a healthy relationship this is a must. There are some sabatogers to a healthy self-esteem and we are going to get to know those first. One is a highly self-critical voice that keeps people from believing that someone could be attracted to them and they could live in happiness. Your self- critical voice never tells you the truth. You need to get to know that voice and the beliefs that are attached to the voice. In fact, that voice probably has some particular distortions that you need to become aware of in order to quiet the voice. A low sense of self-esteem can also be attached to self-fulfilling prophecies. I believe I am less worthy and therefore will look for and attract proof of that in my relationships. I am less then, and will find less then.

Check this out and do some writing in your journal:

1. Look at the self- esteem of those you spend the most time with. Often you will feel most comfortable with those who are like minded in their self-esteem. As you are making changes, do you need to do something about this?

2. What does your self critical voice say to you? Do you recognize the non truths that it constantly speaks to you? There will usually be a grain of truth, but that grain of truth will go to the extreme and then become a lie. For instance, my body would never be attractive to anyone, I am destined to be alone. I have less education then others and therefore, I can’t attract anyone decent. Partners will find out that I am really stupid. Look around you at the many couples that you see. There are many happy couples with all body shapes and sizes. I see many couples that have had affairs. In MOST of the cases, the partner at home is more attractive then the person their partner had the affair with. There are all kinds of smarts, not just academic smarts. You have to be able to grey the voice of criticism out. A statement that is closer to the truth would be that I am likely to appeal to a certain people and not others, the same as some others will appeal to me and others will not. Write out some thoughts that you recognize as self-criticism in your journal. 

3. How does your self critical voice work? What are some of the distortions that you need to become aware of. For instance, does your voice of self-criticism use black and white thinking, or future catastrophizing or mind reading? Find out the favorites and become aware of them so that you can fight back and help your self-esteem.

These are three tools to help you with the sabatogers of your self-esteem. A high self-esteem is not a guarantee that your online dating will be an easy experience. However, a low self-esteem tends to believe that a rejection is about them and not that this person is obviously not a match and it is a good thing I found that out. They will often withdraw from their dating in hurt, and feel unable to try again for some time, if ever. Someone with a high self-esteem who has a poor experience is more likely to understand the challenge as at least shared with the other and pick themselves up and try again. Watch for the next article about rewriting your scripts to improve your self-esteem.

Disclaimer: The information presented here is intended for educational purposes only, not for diagnosis and treatment and is not intended to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation. There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or the counseling services offered.